behind closed doors
by death by december
Summary: Nobody cares. What she does behind closed doors is her secret. She doesn't have the one she love so she turns to something else for comfort. ;; AU!/OOC/Self harm/Bad English / sad stuff.


**A/N** : AU/OOC btw; Hi this is my first fic here and firstly, sorry for the weird sentences and horrible grammar. I didn't really read this fict again after I wrote it so uh some parts might sound super weird but ugh. This story is in a mess since it's like random parts thrown here and there but I hope I conveyed some feelings and maybe I would write a sequel(cheerful one) if i get good reponses! So uh, have this super asdfgjk idk messy fict hahaha, leave a review! :)

Behind closed doors.

;

Nobody knows or nobody really cared about what's happening behind those doors. When they are shut and locked, no one bothers about the person in it. There won't be a friendly knock on the door or anybody looking for her. She doesn't have a cellphone or a computer so it was impossible to contact her without knocking her room door, which she slowly closes with a soft "thump" each time.

In her room, locked up and away from society, she **cuts**. The thrill with the blade in her hand slowly cutting her skin. At first she cringes from the sting but slowly after the pain is nothing to her. Now she cuts deeper because in order to make herself believe she's real is the pain. The deeper it is, the more it would hurt. So whenever she doesn't feel anything, she goes in deeper, when red is drawn from her skin until it stings really badly, she would go deeper just pushing the sharp tip deeper and deeper.

She cries to sleep every night, it's not weird of her to be crying again or actually _, it would be weird if she wasn't crying to sleep._

The next morning, she walked to her class with a limp. With a stinging pain from her right thigh, she walks forward, passing by faces of people they call "accquaintances".

She greets back with a half smile to the people who greeted her "Good morning!". Their beaming eyes or their cheerful smiles, Mikan wonders how true were their smiles or happiness. After being a master of faking smiles, nothing ever looks real at all. Mikan is grateful though, to the people who constantly greet her and maybe just a little, they cheered her up.

Opening the doors of her classroom, she walks up to her seat, arranging her skirt after she sat down and took out her books. It's not long after her seatmate comes in and takes the seat beside her. Her eyes that were gazing at thin air slowly turned to the guy beside her.

_Not Natsume_

She forgot. Natsume isn't sitting beside her anymore.

Her seatmate is Ruka Nogi. He is one of the people she would consider friends but not absolutely trustable. It's not as if he wasn't a nice guy, he was too much of a nice guy. Mikan doesn't trust anyone in the first place but maybe just a little she has a soft spot for him. He is down to earth and pretty cute but the only one she has eyes for is him, **only him.**

Her eyes trailed down to the seat at the far left, a striking handsome individual with a frown on his face. His gaze so cold and unnerving. He's the ace of everything. He makes girl swoon and with just a snap of his fingers, a bunch of girls could just flock to him. That was him.

Unlike the few girls who are by his table trying to flirt with him, Mikan is someone who doesn't _exist._ She bets 100% that he doesn't know her name. After being hopelessly in love with him for months, she realises that all she would ever be to him, is just nothing.

Six months ago, she fell in love. Maybe it was because of his looks but maybe somehow it's more than that. After that, she was always staring at him from afar, how his dark locks look irresistable and how his ruby eyes makes him one in a million. She can't deny how brilliant he is in every aspect but she can't really pick up the reasons why she loves him.

Love is too weak of a word, she feel that it's more.

She knows his personality well. She isn't really blind to important parts like this. He is an arrogant asshole, overconfident jerk and maybe too unreasonable but with all his flaws, she still fell in love. He is more than that. Behind his cold mask, he was really a nice and caring guy. Not as down to earth as Ruka but he fights for what's right and he protects the ones dear to him. Mikan wishes to be one of those lucky ones.

She imagines him kissing her on the lips softly, maybe just to tease her and then he gives her a full-fledged kiss. While she parts her mouth, his tongue will enter and soon the kiss would turn into a game of "catch". She imagines him carressing her sides while she leans closer and nearer, running her hands in his smooth shiny hair.

**It's all just her imagination after all.**

But sometimes in the nights she can't sleep, those scenes would replay in her head. It would drive her _senseless_. To the extent that it hurts, real bad. The longing to hold him or to be held , she didn't have that. She cries to sleep to relieve herself from that ache.

It was on that day when Natsume Hyuuga had a girlfriend. Mikan wasn't sure whether it was his first or his number whatever but to be holding his hands under the table during class, Mikan from behind could see it clearly. Sumire, his current girlfriend, smiles and playfully interwines her fingers with Natsume's. From the back, Mikan could see his smiling face. It pains her so much. To see the one you love smiling but the reason is someone else. Not being able to be that person, not being able to bring that smile onto his lips. When class ends, they both would be loveydovey and almost everyone in class would tease them. She hears how cheerful are their voices and how embarrassed Natsume really is, all of them looked as if they were having fun. Those emotions, seemed so foreign.

Mikan was once a cheerful girl who speaks really really loud and laughed at the slightest thing. She was friends with everybody, or so as she thought. She overheard a few girls one day after class;

"Mikan is really loud and annoying don't you think so?"

"Uh no? How is that ugly looking girl just annoying? She's beyond there. Gosh, acting as if she's friends with everybody getting close to everyone isn't she just a little hypocrite? "

"HAHAHA you guys! Just not let her get to you alright? Nobody really likes her anyway! She's **hated** throughout by the people from Class A and C!"

What Mikan could hear after that, was nothing but silence. Her mind shut her out. She couldn't think properly anymore. She went home that day and cried a ton. The next day in school, she tries to act normal around people but she can't. Slowly, bit by bit, she loses contact with everybody. Nobody questioned her behavior or bothered to care and ask whether she was alright. Slowly, bit by bit, she fades into the background and her life being invinsible began.

Ever since that incident, she never really talked to anybody unless necessary. After that day, she cried every night. Some odd days, she would cry even harder, letting out the sadness that was piling inside of her. It was like she was in an abyss with only herself. It was so so **fucking** lonely.

The feelings of being alone grew on her and soon she found it numb but at night alone in her bed, that is the time when her thoughts run wild. At always at that moment, she is reminded of the betrayal. That's the part that she cries again, with silent tears just falling from her eyes.

She got into cutting after watching a video in class about suicidal people. The videos would be clips of the dead, of how happy they "were" and how their family and friends thought about it after they attempted suicide. Mikan was shown pictures of wrists having scars and once depressed people saying that they used to cut at their arms, wrists, thighs and ankle. So on that day, she went home and tried with a penknife, to feel how it's like to "cut".

Slowly, cutting becomes part of her life, a remedy to ease her pain a little.

After that year, she went to high school and that's how she met Natsume and her addiction became worst. Seeing Natsume with different girls, treating them like treasure she was honestly pushed to her limits. She gets aches in her chest when she sees Natsume with some other girl.

And as always, she can't fit in. Her classmates soon found cliques of their own, leaving Mikan out of any and by two months, she was all alone. There were a few that tried to talk to Mikan but Mikan wasn't such a talker anymore . Most of them just asked about homework and maybe a little about how boring the teacher is. It's not like they were in the wrong but Mikan couldn't bring herself to a topic and she didn't felt interested in anything they talked to her about. Ruka was a really persistent guy and he is really nice and cared about her when sometimes she's absent from class. They lived in dorms so Ruka would always make an effort to take notes for her and give her in person after class. Sometimes during the weekends he would come by her door and try to ask her to hang out with him and his friends that Mikan always rejects. Ruka was the only guy she would talk to more and maybe smile a little. Because of him, she made friends with other people in school too. Ruka is a socialable stud it was obvious, he had good looks and he was genuinely a warmth even to Mikan. Because of him, that's how people, random people greet Mikan while she walks down the halls. She thinks he is a blessing because it was him and some few people, she would not cut on some days.

Still despite how she has people "supporting" her, Natsume and Sumire, his girlfriend still, pains her to the end. Ruka noticed the swollen eyes but Mikan always brushes it away with "I watched a really sad drama so I got real emotion then I cried it's nothing!" Ruka knows it's an excuse but he stopped asking because he knew Mikan lips are sealed tight. He gives her a worried expression but Mikan isn't able to trust anymore.

Mikan rests her arm on her table, trying to listen to the teacher but clearly distracted by her one-sided lover. She eyes Natsume while his lips moved and made Sumire giggled. The teacher noticed and lectured them to "pay attention" and made Sumire read a long paragraph about cells. And when she sits down after the teacher is satsified, Natsume pats her head and pulled her closer.

**They kissed.**

That was when Mikan had tears in her eyes, clouding her vision, threatened to fall. She knew tonight she would cry again and the stinging at her thigh would only get worst. But then again, nobody knows what happens behind those closed doors.


End file.
